I’ve been 22 for about a month now. I can all ready tell things are very different for me now that I am older. Today I am going to get personal, and tell you what I learned from my past self!
School isn’t scary anymore.
I went to college/uni [our system is different it’s annoying] to become a teacher. I got in as an adult student. My high school diploma is pretty shitty [again, our school system is weird], and my diploma told me I couldn’t do it. I proved them wrong. I took several tests and was immediately accepted. I even passed the entrance exams at the first try! Pretty impressive from someone who hadn’t been going to school for nearly 5 years.
At first I didn’t want to go because I was scared, I’ve been bullied nearly all my life by students and teachers alike, for among other things, my accent, my ADD and my health. I ended up being with the most amazing group of people I ever met in my life. They accepted me for who I am, I know I sometime say some odd things, but I never ever mean any harm with it. These people understood that. They knew what I actually meant, and they knew that I just formulate sentences in a weird way.
And I am so very grateful for that. I have never met a group lovelier than them.
Teacher don’t know everything
While we are on the topic of school, after a month of going to school, a teacher, who I never met, wanted to make an appointment with me. First of all the email I got was so highly unprofessional and rude that I cried. I met up with her and she basically told me I should better quit school because I’m too weird, too dumb, useless because of my ADD and she heard a lot of complaints about me. I asked her what kind of complaints and she “didn’t remember them”, also known as: “I’m lying because I’m annoyed with you.” I asked my teachers about it and none of them had any complaints about me. HMM…. This teacher who never met me, suddenly knew me? She didn’t. I got good grades and did really well in school. Teachers don’t know everything.
Health isn’t everything and doctors don’t know everything
I’ve been suffering with bad health all my life.Well, bad health sounds like I’m sick 24/7, but I’m just unlucky, let’s put it that way. Really dry skin everywhere, acne started at age 8, I am cross eyed (though you can’t see it!), I’ve got bone issues (scoliosis, knee caps, tailbone and jaws that dislocate on the regular), I’ve got ADD (which really ruins things for me occasionally), IBS (which is fun at parties!), eczema on my head, and then on top of that depression and anxiety, I’m just one big bowl of fun. You can’t see any of it, not really, so people don’t understand it, and think I’m faking it. Which I don’t, but that’s for a whole different blog post. My jaw dislocated at the end of 2015 and I went to see my doctor in the beginning of 2016 after getting suspicious. Why do so many things dislocate in my body? I asked my doctor, she looked into my dossier and she said to me:
“You know, for a 21 year old, you’ve got more issues than the regular 80 year old.”
I am aware.
She didn’t make any connection before, but now she did think I’ve got something. I went to a rheumatologist (who basically told me it’s all in my head) and well, all we know now is that I don’t have any rheumatics issues. To be continued! Sometimes doctors don’t know everything, and you need to speak up when you have any doubts about your own health. You know what’s wrong with you, they can’t see it, so if you are suspicious, speak up and tell ’em!
Heartbreak hurts. A lot.
My (now) ex-boyfriend dumped me in November. And it hit me, hard. I was devastated, especially because he kept leading me on (“oh maybe if you keep doing your best I’ll want you back in a couple of months!”). I’ve never been hurt more in my life, mostly because I put up with a lot of his bullshit, bullshit that basically made me really scared of things. I cried every day for nearly six months, which is a really long time of tears haha. I always thought people who got their heart broken were overreacting, but DAMN, they don’t. I all ready suffer from depression, and this did made me a little bit more sad.
Just because you are sad doesn’t mean good things stop happening.
My ex suddenly stopped talking to me in the beginning of July, coincidentally, the same day I met a new friend. And meeting this friend turned my life around for the better. He made me happy, and being happy was something I didn’t really experience often. I had full days with no panic attacks at all, where as before I had them about 15 times a day! I felt incredibly alone, and didn’t really see a future for myself at all, and that changed. After meeting him things have gotten more positive, job interviews, less sadness, more fun, feeling like people care about me, less scared of life and I feel so much less stressed. I can see myself having a future now, which I didn’t see before. It’s really a nice feeling to be me again before the sadness happened.
It’s okay to be me.
Speaking of this friends, this is what he taught me:
It’s okay for me to be damaged. It’s okay for me to be sad. It’s okay for me to have panic attacks. It’s okay for me to say no to things. It’s okay for me to do what’s best for me.
It’s okay to be me.
Oh how I love the UK.
In the Spring I lived in the UK for about three months, and those were three amazing months. I loved living there. I loved the towns, the people, the bookshops, the culture, everything. If there’s ever a chance of me living over there, I will take it!
And oh, how I love blogging!
I ended my 21st year of life with being more active with my blog, and that was most definitely the best decision I have made. I can write, which I love, I can share my thoughts on books and I can buy more makeup with the excuse I’ll use it “for the blog”. I love it. It’s so much fun to do, the reactions I get from people are lovely, and to think that people actually like my ramblings enough to follow me baffles me! I am grateful for every single person that’s following me or reads me on the regular, thank you.
These are a few things that I learned from my 21 year old self, and if I could get back in time I would tell her that everything does get slightly better; I am happy now.